Hey everyone, it’s me, THE RIDE! Today I wanted to tell you about the more technical aspects of my lifestyle as a bus. Being that I was born this way, it was a little easier for me to learn the rules of the road, but humans, if you follow this simple advice, you’ll be able to drive through New York City just as you would a rural back road. Around the holidays, people are a heck of a lot nicer than than usual. It’s something about that holiday cheer that courses through the city’s veins like premium gas through a hemi.

Yes, the city is a living breathing being, just like me, THE RIDE. At any given point, the traffic can swell the island into a state of slow moving, horn honking, sludge. It’s sort of like uncle Larry’s arteries after he eats a Taylor Ham, egg, and cheese sandwich. The first rule is to be patient. It will eventually move, and I promise that changing lanes won’t help (just like a hot pastrami on rye won’t help uncle Larry.) There can be half to three quarters of a million vehicles in New York City at any given time.

The next rule is tough, especially for suburbanites. Don’t take it personally if someone cuts in front of you. We New Yorkers operate on very little road space. Leaving that two car gap in front of you essentially invites four or five vehicles to seek out that prime road space. It’s nothing personal, unless someone shouts, “Go back to Jersey!” Then it’s very personal. Also blinkers are more of an optional courtesy than a rule. If you think that car over there is going to merge into your lane, you’re probably right.

The last rule is sort of broad, like me, but as important as buckling up. Be careful. It’s imperative to stay alert. That’s why I have them pour a redbull into my tank on every fill up. There will be a lot of cars driving as fast as they possibly can, but don’t freak out! Try to relax, play some Enya on your stereo or something like that. Like my friend Wilson, the VW bus always says, “Go with the flow man.” Check your blind spots and roll with the flow of the New York City traffic river. Look out for your one way streets, don’t get caught in the gridlock, and try not to hit the pedestrians from New Jersey.

If it all sounds too scary and you just want to sit back and enjoy yourself, book your tickets and experience THE RIDE! I’ve had years of practice driving these streets. I can thread the needle and parallel park in spots you wouldn’t even dare bring your Mini Cooper.